1. |
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There will be no happily ever after for me.
But there will be an ever after, forever, in what will never...
You will not take me. But the Ash will take me. Only the Ash will take me...
I have no need for this favor, my soul, anymore. I cast it to the ground!
Let it break into countless shards, just as my future has...
And my heart--
The night refuses to lift with my lashes
For weighing them down are my own future ashes
Coalesced into crystal dreams
Unswept in corners vaguely seen
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2. |
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In the halls
The quiet halls of stone
They speak when I'm alone
They speak through to my bones
So frail against this chair
Brushed through with shadow hair
I think there's someone there
Who can at least pretend to care
How I decided in an instant
To resign myself to eternity distant
From the views of sky I suppose I once knew
Not grey and sooty but clear and blue
I do not know.
It was so long ago.
I was so perfect then.
At least I thought that was so.
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3. |
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In vain, I look into my vanity
To uncover answers
Or something to cover
My years of inhumanity
That have clouded the mirror
Into my search for a lover
Is this it?
Have I lost my gleam?
Are there tears
At my seams?
Am I such a rarity
That my future is scared of me?
Is romance something I still hope will greet me?
When I threw down my heart, did it shatter completely?
And who is there to love?
"Live within these walls..."
Why should I be hopeful
When I'm here because
And who is there to love?
"Live within these walls..."
Why should I be hopeful
When I'm here because...
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my eyes...
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4. |
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It almost sounds like a rainstorm outside
There are even rolls of thunder...
And yet I know it is all an illusion
Ash is all that falls from this sky
I remember nights
When I had wonder
Now swept into the corner
A childhood of cobwebs
Good night
Sweep tight
Don't let the dust bunnies bite
And I can no longer fight
Tonight...
I saw the day through a mirage in a blackened curtain
I asked it what its name was and it told me what I wanted to hear
And through the barren trees outside
The wind obliged to follow the curtains' suggestions
Of swaying with reversed delay
Such that they would have swayed in the past--
And just like that, I awoke with no start
For the only fastness was the fastness with which I held
Onto my ice-cold ashen...
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5. |
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...heart
And so I closed my eyes again
It made no difference to be lost or found
And I'd hear the soundless sound
Of the now of now and then, and then
(Only with my eyes closed
Only with my eyes…)
Shut away behind myself
I drink my tears to hoard my cries
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6. |
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But the halls
The halls that remain so dim
Give significance to each limb
And each breeze has a pseudonym
For each dust particle has a shine
And they all are all equally mine
And sometimes I feel like I'll be fine
And then
And then...
It always disappears in an instant
And I return, I return to eternity distant
The ash billows and clouds my mental view
And no longer is the sky in my dreams blue
And I suppose
That’s just as well.
I truly chose
The most fulfilling hell.
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7. |
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But still, my vanity haunts me
An imperfection
Wanting insurrection
Within this self stuffed with humanity
A taxidermy dedicated
To former perfection
And when it erupts
It burns too quickly
And becomes more ash that filters away
Leaving me here, wondering sickly:
Is happiness something I still hope will greet me?
When I threw up my heart, did it splatter completely?
And who is there to love (now that I)
Live within these walls (so loveless)
Why should I be hopeful (so foolish)
When I'm here because
And who is there to love (now that I)
Live within these walls (so loveless)
Why should I be hopeful (so foolish)
When I'm here because...I...
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8. |
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...lost.
I lost.
I lost, I lost, I lost.
I lost him
I lost her
I lost everyone but the ghost of a human who cannot feel...
I'm lost
Again.
Walking the grounds
Perusing the sounds
Of the lost
Again.
A new batch will gather
But I would much rather
Be lost
Again.
Is that really me talking
I should just keep walking
To be lost
Again.
I cannot hear them
I must not hear them
Is this the curse
Of this damned place?
Can I no longer
Show my saddened face?
To those who would be peers
If I were myself in the past
But after these countless years
Did my face even last?
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9. |
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I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my
I am an artifact
Beautiful to look at
Only with my eyes closed
Only with my eyes...
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10. |
A Swingset Vignette
01:55
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Small legs in oscillation
Airborne from the ground
On a swing overlooking a future
With only a thin wire fence in the way
And with every forward movement
It felt as though I could pass through the holes of the fence
And be turned into the rays of light that cast themselves through both ways
And rise up to the off-white sky of how I remember that non-day
And then back, allowing myself to fall in an arc
Braced by my smaller hands grasping the metal chains of the swing
With holes more appropriate for a child that age
But even now I refuse to pass through that fence
And I will always refuse
For the sky is on this side
And the non-day is as alive as the grass untouched
On the other side
I imagine myself dismounting
My hand trailing a chain with tender hesitation
And wandering behind to leafy shade
To dance to the moment and its melody in softest solitude
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11. |
Moment (Dance)
04:34
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The fence is gone now
And the non-day turned to a purple twilight
And I now look toward the moon, where a dragon sifts through their own memories...
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12. |
Kymyzi and Uyaryzi
06:03
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Oh, come with me far away
Into the mind of my memory
Sequestered in isolation forgotten
Hold the infinity left for me
I'm speaking only to myself
Of course, my self of past tense
There is no other in the present
Not in any but a fleeting sense
I am a dragon of this moon
Along with my current multitude
As myself, though selves do spurn
Themselves with unified attitude
But my past I must now reach
As my form from times lost to space
Are of use to one who is outside my self
One in no position to efface
Kymyzi!
Long ago, were you once me?
That existence I no longer claim
Let my breath recall that name
Uyaryzi!
Long ago, once by my side
A friend once removed from my mind
Let them be forgiving and kind
I bring myself slowly away
To the thoughts of that one I knew
They moved with me
Through philosophy and moved me too
Our universe was complete
As nothing until now tore it
But now there is something else out there
and I alone (alone?) do not ignore it
My other selves are pulling
They are my own adversity
But what I need is not in here
Though naught in here is hurting me
Unlike what I am now seeking
A closeness severed by distance
But I must do this, for I now have a purpose
I must take this chance
Kymyzi!
Long ago, were you once me?
That existence I no longer claim
Let my breath recall that name
Uyaryzi!
Long ago, once by my side
A friend once removed from my mind
Let them be who I may now find
Searching...
Searching...
Searching...
Searching...
Searching...
Uyaryzi...
Can you hear me?
Kymyzi!
Long ago, were you once me?
That existence I no longer claim
Let my breath recall that name
Uyaryzi!
Long ago, once by my side
A friend once removed from my mind
I greet as I slip into their brine...
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13. |
Slipping In
05:55
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My legs were first to disappear as I descended far from here,
into the midnight shallow depths of my imagined basin,
a world that I felt I could fill with thoughts that warmed the water chilled
by pipes unseen that would cleanse me once I put my face in.
But first, the body in between, safe in shadows, best unseen,
that I no longer had to see as any extension of me
was replaced by a mental taste of beauty
as it followed itself into the gently lapping tide,
moved not by the moon but by the arms that would soon be submerged
in a marriage where they both would become a bride.
Soon I had a new frontier around my neck with else and fear
separated by the waterline so near
to the uncompromising faces of face,
of chin and cheeks and other skin
that comprised the ramparts of the tower of the perennial flower
that no light now dared to chase.
But there was no light there to shine on a false me
with what was mine in mistaken assumption that I may ever be
more than my own emotional brine, diluted as I was by the crystalline
sea in front of me and the amount of myself that was shaken,
for my mind was not at rest just yet and fears were still inside my head
and thoughts trailed like the undead
minds of my past selves,
up upon the unseen shelves miles above where I was instead.
And so I resumed my descent and into depths my body went,
into the deeper midnight soul as my daytime form formed into shoals
of dreams and nightmares intertwined in complex movements of the mind
that were clear as glass but dark as coal, and I could no longer feel
the dryness on the last strands or bands of shyness I left behind for elsewhere,
in this bath free from the wrath of the day from which I momentarily retracted,
and that moment lasted as long as I expertly acted
as if I had the capacity to not be there.
The darknesses that wanted me I now invited openly
to bring me colors of my own so I may keep them, though on loan,
for light would flush them all away and I'd return them to the day,
but for now and then I would exist
in this murky-yet-so-brilliant tryst
of stagnant trough and solemn thought alone.
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14. |
Further In (Interlude)
03:35
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15. |
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First, Being was in Question,
as it always had been,
and as it moved in Question,
it wrapped itself around Question
and started to attempt a noble asphyxiation of Answer,
knowing full well that Answer,
residing in Question,
had immediately responded by creating spindles
extending from within Being and Question both,
an encroaching cloud of Being’s own capillaries and Question’s own frayed web nodes
that together would anchor themselves between Being and Question
and thus return the strangulation one small piece of Answer at a time.
Being suspected this was only fair,
but kept at it anyway until all three passed Out,
at which point the axonic arrangement between Being,
Question,
and Answer shifted from something existing in theory
to a shared existence on its way to becoming something ready to receive a physical manifestation.
The transformation descended upon them in waves of environment.
Perhaps there were limbs,
Controlling the self as much as the body,
Begging for the mind to catch up and finally take control,
Alighting on the ground,
Up on the ground,
Walking down,
Through,
To the side.
The mind felt spongy, with shoes to match,
Shifting forward with every stunted quarter-glide.
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16. |
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And then the colors arrived,
numerous colors of quite a few extra-planar rainbows,
all coalescing in a protean impressionist state
on its way to becoming the bounds of local reality.
The colors sprayed around and up and across in construction on a large scale.
Or, it seemed that way to the newly formed Being-Question-Answer,
who felt as though she* was able to truly see and experience for the first time,
as if every time before were a partial illusion:
shadows without light and light without shadow.
*(Yes, she, no longer it, that was definite.
Being and Question were definitely female,
which made Answer’s elusive genderlessness,
or plurality of gender,
entirely and quite steadfastly irrelevant,
as if it were decided upon by a vote
and such an internal abstract decision would be the final say for a while.)
And in this sudden realization of completeness and wholeness,
Being-Question-Answer named herself The Itinerant
and started to bicker with herself.
The half that was Being suggested that they form a personality first
to be ready for the environment as it settled,
so as to not have to worry about it with the absolutely unavoidable onslaught
of overstimulation that was about to come about.
The half that was Question and Answer,
on the other hand,
suggested that the personality should be understood later on,
citing a concept floating in their shared mindspace
having to do with creation of personality as a tool appropriate for the social climate,
and since the social climate was unknown entirely,
it would be completely foolish to jump into a shared personality
that would be unstable at best
and likely would not make any sense with whatever may be forming itself in front of her.*
*(Answer seemed to be content with being generally silent on all matters
but was definitely on the Question half,
assuming this amalgamation properly worked in such a straightforward manner,
which was quite doubtful to all parties involved.)
They did not have enough time, however,
for Being to have her way,
and as such,
The Itinerant was born into the world of the Carousel
with absolutely no personality,
and further,
one would have to be given to her.
She understood this, somehow,
and started to exist as the village that formed around her
pitched and heaved under the currents of emotion emanating from some unknown source,
as well as weaker currents with origin at her feet.
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17. |
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The brilliant colors had dulled into a blotchy mix of harsh reds, greens, and yellows,
as the grayish-blue-bricked main road led her forward.
Beside the slight disturbances in perception,
The Itinerant noted that it felt somewhat familiar,
as if in another life or another timeline all of this was arguably similar
to what should be expected while alive.
Despite not having any clear recollection of any such previous life,
Answer gave a slight inclination that there had been such a thing,
although it was quite muddled by the loss of temporal anchors.
Still, between her three parts,
The Itinerant was able to piece together thoughts that, overall,
left her with the sentiment that what she was experiencing at this point,
the entire village inside her still limited range of view,
was acting as some sort of bridge from some previous world
to the current one
in terms of familiarity.
If this were on purpose or accidental she did not know,
but the thought also crossed her mind*
*(Question’s and perhaps some section of Being’s specifically)
that even in an unknown world,
there has to be some basis of familiarity--
not because it is a rule that every alien environment
must have something palatable to every single sentient mind that experiences it,
but instead:
that every such environment, by default,
has something that is the most familiar,
relatively speaking,
and a reasonable mind like The Itinerant’s*
*(in her own opinion)
would instantly and automatically seize that relative minimum of unfamiliarity
and operate under the assumption that it is the base norm.
She wondered if there were others in this world
and thought about whether they would have different base norms based on this theory.
Likely, she thought.
In fact, she could find out quite soon,
if she pursued the source of the larger,
rather surprisingly natural-feeling pulses of emotion,
which she decided were only instantly recognizable
because they were part of her own previous life
and thus were now an aspect of her new base norm.
So, after some hesitation, a major event of this new era occurred:
The Itinerant started to move.
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18. |
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She moved her feet in a sort of disconnected shuffle,
and the air,
if it was air,
felt humid and viscous,
but it also had a peculiar property of magnifying inertia,
such that even though the first few steps were awkward,
at this point she felt almost as though the faster she went,
the more this atmosphere would push her from behind.
Nearing the epicenter of the strong currents,
she dared not slow down,
but it was difficult to look ahead,
due to the spasming and distorting visual display.
And so,
The Itinerant looked up for the first time,
hoping for some momentary reprieve
from the constant sickening motion of the village.
At this point, The Itinerant learned what it was like,
first hand,
to look up while in the Carousel.
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19. |
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The Itinerant found herself in a giant cylinder
Impossibly wide with a diameter of at least several miles
And taller than anything fathomable by a rational mind
A countless system of trapeze wires
stretched across in all directions in more than two dimensions
And upon these wires danced mobiles of shapes
That could be possibly other sentient beings
A concept Being found absurd
A concept Question found terrifying
A concept Answer found implausible
Each, in turn, causing the total sum of the Itinerant to look away
Toward the walls
Where unbelievably massive vague shadows of steeds
Impaled by silhouettes of pole from ground to sky
Slowly rotated around the cylinder
And only added to the movement
But this movement was a movement of memories
And not just experiences
And so, The Itinerant closed her eyes
Which she was not able to do before
Answer collapsed
Question ascended
Being multiplied multiplied multiplied multiplied multiplied
And The Itinerant knew her true name
And this was precisely the moment she decided to mark
as the very first moment she would consider herself
truly a part of this new reality
And thus
Truly
Inside the Carousel
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20. |
Opera of Stars
06:48
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From the ash to the stars I once knew
The light from the stars upon you
There is no sense of time in this sky
Thoughterfalls that matter rise and fly
And I dream...
I want to bathe in the stars
Pour my soul upward
I want to bathe in the stars
Still further inward
O Stars, O Stars, O Stars
I sing to unseen light
O Stars, O Stars, O Stars
Behind a clouded night
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21. |
Beginnings
04:11
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Beginnings find you
Though often they waft in
Under your nose
And can become those
That move past unnoticed so easily
Beginnings find you
Yes, despite their light flights
They gravitate
And substantiate
Just waiting to be plucked from the air
Like diamond dust flakes
In an afternoon shaft of clarity
O, but this craft is not the rarity
Beginnings find you
Bestowments each moment
But those that shine
Are those that your mind
Keeps like a rock kept by a child
In hope that it will hatch a wondrous beast
But as in this current feast, it will
And after it hatches, takes off from a windowsill
Not before grasping you in its gentle claws
And bringing you along for the ride
Calm or wild.
A beginning found you
A couple, redoubled
True love in your eyes
Two hearts so apprised
Of the beginning floating between your souls
May this make you whole, and whisk you away
For it is a beginning in so many ways
Pollinating the flowers of possible fates
To create a field that will speak to us all
Sooner or later
To blow our own seeds to the wind
And to see what is visible within.
A beginning found you
And found me, too.
The beauty of this day softens my clay
Just enough for it to finally beg to be reformed
And my egg I have been tending has sufficiently warmed
And so my home, you shall forever be enthroned
In my heart
And you mean
So much to me
And all of you...
I will make this brief
But please do not find this a time for grief
We are celebrating beginnings
Here between closing walls of plaster
Let this be my blessing for your hearts to flutter faster
And let my absence be one you fill with your love
As I fly, as I must, as an aspiring dove
Who wrote her own wings into existence
And so, it is my insistence:
Celebrate the occasion
Of this wedding and elation
And remember
Beginnings find you
Look for them
Grasp them
Let them grasp you
And bring you along for the ride
Calm or wild.
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22. |
Look. At. Me.
07:38
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I finally
And rightfully
Have been made a powerful whole
I finally
Have destiny
Under my total control
Look. At. Me.
I'm beautiful, don't you agree?
Strength and beauty are one and the same
So feel my Reason and learn its name!
Yosuga!
Yosuga!
Yosuga!
Yosuga!
A brilliant mind in turmoil was just the kind of mind I needed
And so I made sure in that hospital that these bold ideas were seeded
The demons around her coalesced so aptly with those inside
And born out of the grief and pain was potential strength and might
Look.
At.
Me.
Yosuga!
Yosuga!
Yosuga!
Yosuga!
You see the only way you can be saved
Is to become or join the stronger force
but chances are you cannot do this on your own
and under me you'll survive with no remorse
Because I finally
And rightfully
Have been made a powerful whole
Yes, I finally
Have destiny
Under my total control
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23. |
Shadow Song (Epilogue)
02:59
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